we’re a pretty fucked up species, that much is obvious. and given the chaos, the bullshit, the mess, it’s pretty safe to assume that no one is in-charge here. i used to believe in karma, in energy, i believed that i survived the last year because of everyone rooting for me. and sure, that may be the case…may be i didn’t allow myself to succumb during my various suicidal moments because i knew it would pain too many of those left behind. but what of all those good people who constantly have fucked up things happening to them, regardless of the the thousands that pray for them?

W was meant to be a father. i used to tease him all the time about it and promise him that i would absolutely corrupt his kids. his wife finally got knocked up last year, only to give birth to the twins prematurely, with one being still born. the thought of W burying the tiny little baby boy still makes me cry.

Z was a great little kid, who studied super hard all his life, because he was supposed to go to uni and become someone. his mom went into a coma when he was 14 and then passed away when he was 16. he got cancer when he was 17 and died 3 months later. i got this news as i was recovering in the hospital last year, from my surgery and couldn’t believe that my little cousin was dead. buried. 6 fucking feet under. at 17.

AR and i got married on the same day. we didn’t know each other at the time though. we met in the dialysis ward, and marveled over the coincidences. his kidneys failed a month into his marriage, mine took another month but basically, we ended up in the same hospital. we would run into each other twice a week. pb would sit outside with his wife, while AR and i were hooked up to our tubes. he went off for a transplant to the phillipines before me and i was so fucking envious. he came back and was walking around, healthy and happy and i was still tied up to the fucking machine. but then he fell ill. and got better. and then got worse. and then got better. last time i saw him was outside the hospital, in a wheelchair. he was still the most cheerful guy ever, even though he was half his size. they were heading back to nigeria because they couldn’t afford dialysis any longer (he ended up getting his new kidney removed because it failed).

my doc told me yesterday that he had passed away two weeks back.

i don’t get it. i wish i did. i wish there was some fucking meaning to this life, you know? i know death is natural…life sentences us to death, yada, yada, yada. i know that. death doesn’t even scare me. i just don’t understand why some very good people have such a miserable time while they’re alive. they go through all of it, work to get past it all, only to die?! if Z had to die, fair enough. his time had come? fine. couldn’t he have died before he had to witness the life going out of his mom? couldn’t AR have died before he endured the pain of the various surgeries, spent thousands and thousands of dollars neither he, nor his family could afford?

i feel ashamed.

i’ve been complaining about kilos and acne.

the only reason i didn’t end up going to the phillipines was because of AR. his experience convinced me that it was not an option, no matter how desperate i was. otherwise, i had already been in touch with the same doctors who had found me a donor. the same fucking asshole, incompetent, bastard doctor who found a donor for AR with TB (which ended up killing both, the donor & AR).

so many people were praying for/sending good energy towards AR. what happened there? what the fuck am i supposed to believe in, how the fuck can i believe in anything at all, if awful things constantly happen to good people? osama is out there, bush rules the world, paris hilton roams freely and happily and good people constantly die. how the fuck are we supposed to make sense of this?

isn’t it even worse for those who have faith? i mean, how the hell does anyone believe in religion? by telling themselves that everything happens for a reason? REALLY?!! really? do they decide that the person deserved it because he doesn’t prostrate in front of the right god? or didn’t prostrate enough times?

life is so utterly meaningless. all our struggles are laughable. we keep trying so fucking hard to survive, to make it to the next level but anything can randomly take us out.

it’s the worst video game on earth because everyone is destined to fail.

happy new year!

i absolutely love christmas. i don’t celebrate it with turkeys and gifts but i love getting into the spirit of it and putting up a tree (i didn’t this year cause we’re moving tomorrow, so it didn’t seem worth the effort). i love the way all the malls are done up, all the trees visible from the windows and everyone seems extra happy. i guess it’s also cause everyone gets days off and who doesn’t appreciate those? my dream is to spend christmas in a city where it snows. actually, i wouldn’t mind spending it in new york or london or amsterdam…i’ve only seen christmas celebrated in a muslim country and it’s STILL amazing (funny how they never show THAT on CNN, right?). damn, i should have actually taken pictures, cause some of you would be amazed by how all out the hotels and malls go here. of course it’s all commercially driven but who cares? tis the season to be jolly, not cynical (for once!).

so merry christmas, everyone. i hope all of you are having the best holidays ever and enjoying the time off with your significant & not-so-significant others!

on to:

the mayfly project

born. eat. shag. die. is the biography of a mayfly. and in that vein, we have to sum up our year (don’t worry, not our entire lives) in under 24 words.

here’s mine…and i’m hoping you’ll do yours in the comments section:

married, poker nights, illness, discovered immense inner strength, depths of depression & need for others, dialysis, tubes, doctors, medicines, transplant, 3 kidneys, gluttony, health, happiness.

(it’s 24 words cause i refuse to count “&”! yes, we pakis cheat a lot).

so lets have yours.

also, here’s a couple of silly & random pics that made me laugh, in the last couple of days.